Ever since I got pregnant, I haven’t been quite myself. I thought it would be over when I give birth, but no. If anything, I’m drifting even further than myself.
Sara is now almost 11months this end of month. She started walking today. I mean, really walking. From a corner to a corner, from room to room. Although she falls sometimes (her tiny legs get tired fast), but I can say she’s officially walking now.
I’m so proud of her.
And I also realize that it has been 19 months since I started feeling off. I realize that I haven’t been embracing motherhood.
All these drama of me loosing myself is because I haven’t been embracing motherhood. Right from the beginning, when I got pregnant.
Pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster. Often I found myself blaming my unborn child, blaming my pregnancy. I was unable to connect with her. However, as soon as she was born, it was a love at first sight. I wanted to devote my life for her. To care for her, nurture her, give her the best I can, give her the best chance.
Now, being a mom, I also found myself still unable to embrace motherhood. Always comparing myself to my commitment-free friends, I feel old and dated. I found myself living in a fantasy. Everytime I sit still breastfeeding Sara, my mind wanders off to my fantasy land where I live in my perfect world, looking forward to find that happiness and joy that I so much seek. Sometimes it includes Sara, sometimes not.
Being able to provide Sara with the best, being able to afford things that I want. Travel the world. Dress like a model everyday and blog about it. Being able to sketch while sipping my coffee in an old city. It was MY perfect idea of happiness.
In reality, I can’t always afford to give Sara the best, I can’t always afford clothes, handbags, shoes, my dream babywearing gears and cutest cloth diaper prints. Travelling with a baby is a whole new adventure of its own. Sipping coffee is out of the window. I had to gulp my coffee and get it over with.
The thing is, for the past 19months, I have been missing the point. Nothing is ever going to change if I don’t accept one thing. Happiness is right here. It is what is surrounding me. It is what I have. It is Sara NOW. Not when-Sara-stops-breastfeeding. Not when Sara is finally sleeping through the night. Currently she’s wakes up every 2hours (at most!) during the night. KILL ME. See, I’m being negative again.
Happiness is the little things. When Sara gives me her sweet precious hugs and kisses. When she glances over me for approval. When she smiles after a satisfying feed.
Today, Sara started walking. I was too busy being desperate for fantasy to turn into my real life that I missed out on that moment. I have missed out many moments. Moments that are just too short, too precious to even grab for a camera.
I have to embrace motherhood. Accept that I am now a mom, and despite the ups and downs in life, I will always. be. a. mom to my child. It’s a process. and any progress is a good progress.
Because one day, who knows.
Sara is not going to be a baby for long. She’ll be 11 months soon and she’s now walking. Where did that 11 months go?? Next thing I know she doesn’t want to be carried anymore. She’ll want to walk on her own. Her hugs and kisses will be hard to come by. She’ll want her own room. Her own space. At that time, I bet a million bucks that I will cherish this moment. It is just too short.
Sara, about a week young.
p.s, not entirely unrelated: currently obsessed and dreaming about woven wraps. Especially Kokadi and Lenny Lamb wraps. So pwetty. Babywearing keeps me sane. oh…